MUM AND I...

Mine and mum's relationship was always a close one. And my mum was my strength.

My sister Trish moved out at an early age and then went on to move to Canada to become a nanny to a family there. She has been there ever since and never looked back. Trish is now a wife to husband Russ and mum of 2 beautiful girls (my nieces) Kendra and Selena. From around the time Trish moved away it was obviously only me and mum from then on at home. She raised me on her own, no matter how hard she struggled. She did her best and did a bloody good job and I love her for it. As time went on me and mum grew closer, and that's what made it even harder when I lost my mum who was not only my mum but my best friend and rock.

This is my story, and I am happy to share it with you...

To be honest with you I can't really remember much of infant and junior school, other than who was my favourite teachers and who were the evil ones from hell, but high school was another story... I remember that vividly like it was yesterday. High school is supposed to be one of many best years of your life growing up, but for me it was torture... I was bullied right through for five years. It has had an effect on me even up to now. It has affected my self confidence no doubt, definitely, and my relationships with people especially men. Being bullied was one of the worst experiences of my life.

It all started because I was a little plump in the first year. I remember my first tutor Mrs Lane, she was my favourite, shame she had to leave Witton Park High School. She gave me a lot of support when she was my tutor. Anyway, the kids in years 10 and 11 were the ones who actually started the bullying. I was hit, kicked, pushed, shoved, all you can think of... but the worst bit of it was the name calling, the mental torture. Some people can handle it - I couldn't. Then the kids in my year started. Day after day after day it carried on, and on top of this I had started questioning my sexuality, around the age of 13. I had no one to talk to. My head was a mess. So one day you know one of those problem pages... I wrote to one of them (Dear Miriam) haha - I remember her. I wrote the letter and put it in my bedside cupboard ready to post the next day after school. The next evening when i came home from school my mum wasn't in and Fran my neighbour was watching me til' mum came home from town shopping. Something in my head just thought OMG my letter. I ran upstairs and there it wasn't! Mum had obviously found the letter... I was bricking it! I waited til' she came home, she wouldn't even talk to me. I asked her what was wrong, she just threw the letter at me and said that's why I'm not talking to you.

I just ran out of the house and went to her best friend Karen's. I couldn't stop crying , Karen comforted me and said she would come round with me and talk with mum. After I had a coffee at Karen's we braved to go to my house. We went in and Karen said to mum that she needed to sit down and listen to me. Even though we did - it took a hell of a lot for mum to even talk about the subject. But after all the talking, nothing else was really ever said, until a letter came through months later for me to see someone at the hospital. I went mad! I said to my mum I wasn't gay and that I was just confused, every kid goes through it I said. Mum kind of went along with that lie because come on, it's a hard thing to deal with no matter how much society is accepting of homosexuality these days.

Year by year past at school, the bullying started getting worse, I was crying in the mornings not wanting to go to school. Mum went to that school god knows how many times to get it sorted but we had no joy. I just got on with it and it kind of died down in the last year of high school. Maybe because some kids were growing up that little bit. I started fancying guys more and more, what a headfuck this was at 15/16 years old!!.

I finally came to terms with being gay when I came out... but that's another story you'll have to read ;)