MUM AND I...

Mine and mum's relationship was always a close one. And my mum was my strength.

My sister Trish moved out at an early age and then went on to move to Canada to become a nanny to a family there. She has been there ever since and never looked back. Trish is now a wife to husband Russ and mum of 2 beautiful girls (my nieces) Kendra and Selena. From around the time Trish moved away it was obviously only me and mum from then on at home. She raised me on her own, no matter how hard she struggled. She did her best and did a bloody good job and I love her for it. As time went on me and mum grew closer, and that's what made it even harder when I lost my mum who was not only my mum but my best friend and rock.

This is my story, and I am happy to share it with you...

To be honest with you I can't really remember much of infant and junior school, other than who was my favourite teachers and who were the evil ones from hell, but high school was another story... I remember that vividly like it was yesterday. High school is supposed to be one of many best years of your life growing up, but for me it was torture... I was bullied right through for five years. It has had an effect on me even up to now. It has affected my self confidence no doubt, definitely, and my relationships with people especially men. Being bullied was one of the worst experiences of my life.

It all started because I was a little plump in the first year. I remember my first tutor Mrs Lane, she was my favourite, shame she had to leave Witton Park High School. She gave me a lot of support when she was my tutor. Anyway, the kids in years 10 and 11 were the ones who actually started the bullying. I was hit, kicked, pushed, shoved, all you can think of... but the worst bit of it was the name calling, the mental torture. Some people can handle it - I couldn't. Then the kids in my year started. Day after day after day it carried on, and on top of this I had started questioning my sexuality, around the age of 13. I had no one to talk to. My head was a mess. So one day you know one of those problem pages... I wrote to one of them (Dear Miriam) haha - I remember her. I wrote the letter and put it in my bedside cupboard ready to post the next day after school. The next evening when i came home from school my mum wasn't in and Fran my neighbour was watching me til' mum came home from town shopping. Something in my head just thought OMG my letter. I ran upstairs and there it wasn't! Mum had obviously found the letter... I was bricking it! I waited til' she came home, she wouldn't even talk to me. I asked her what was wrong, she just threw the letter at me and said that's why I'm not talking to you.

I just ran out of the house and went to her best friend Karen's. I couldn't stop crying , Karen comforted me and said she would come round with me and talk with mum. After I had a coffee at Karen's we braved to go to my house. We went in and Karen said to mum that she needed to sit down and listen to me. Even though we did - it took a hell of a lot for mum to even talk about the subject. But after all the talking, nothing else was really ever said, until a letter came through months later for me to see someone at the hospital. I went mad! I said to my mum I wasn't gay and that I was just confused, every kid goes through it I said. Mum kind of went along with that lie because come on, it's a hard thing to deal with no matter how much society is accepting of homosexuality these days.

Year by year past at school, the bullying started getting worse, I was crying in the mornings not wanting to go to school. Mum went to that school god knows how many times to get it sorted but we had no joy. I just got on with it and it kind of died down in the last year of high school. Maybe because some kids were growing up that little bit. I started fancying guys more and more, what a headfuck this was at 15/16 years old!!.

I finally came to terms with being gay when I came out... but that's another story you'll have to read ;)

At the age of 19 i was brave enough to come out being gay everyone... I wasn't bothered about telling anyone apart from my mum. My mum meant the world to me and still does. The first night I went out to a gay club was a Sunday night at our local club in town. As we don't have a gay scene in Blackburn they made the club a gay night on a Sunday. It was all new to me as I had never ventured out of Blackburn to a gay scene at all. I remember being the centre of attention as I was the new boy who started coming to the club. It was scary as well as exciting. Years went by and I enjoyed the gay scene in varies cities. My favourite is Manchester I suppose, as I have more friends there than anywhere else apart from Blackburn. I haven't been an angel all my life and did go through a promiscuous time for quite a number of years. A lot of people have one opinion of me who don;t know me that well and I maybe branded as a slut for a long time but what they seem to fail to realise is I have only been looking for love since my early 20s. I want someone there who can hold me and kiss me to comfort me when I am feeling sad and low. Someone I know who will be there to come home to. But alas that has never happened. I do hope and know it will happen one day and I am happy with that :)

I came out in 2000, and 11 years later I'm still missing that certain closeness. It's quite a long time to be on my own which is getting a little tedious now lol... I just hope that it will happen one day :)

Over the years my mum and I grew closer each day, so it was even harder when I lost the best friend I had for all those years. It was 2004 and the day I found out my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer was over the telephone. I was at home on my day off from work and I recieved the call from my mum who had gone to the hospital for some scan results. All I heard on the telephone in a quiet voice was "cancer". I can't remember much over the next 18 months apart from the fact that me and mum argued quite often. My mum became even more depressed over the course of the 18 months and it was hard for me aswell as mum. It was hard seeing my mum become weaker each day. Working full time and doing things for my mum aswell took it out of me. I wasn't eating properly and was looking pale and thin myself. I tried to be as comforting towards my mum as much as I could but I think the whole time she was ill I was in denial - it's cruel to say this but I always thought she was putting some of it on because in my mind I just didn't want my mum to die. I had to deal with it but I was struggling. The last week of her life she was taken to the hospice in Blackburn where the girls there made her so comfortable and made me feel very welcome. I couldn't praise them enough. My sister had also came over to be with us at the end. It was the second time my mum had seen her grandchildren aswell which is sad but also beautiful she could see them one more time. 4 days before mum died me and my friend Chris went out for a night out. I came home earlier and went to the hospice drunk. My mum couldn't speak or anything but just being with her and chatting to her made me feel warm inside being with her.

The night my mum died I was actually going to go home but my sister told me stay because she said she knew she was going to go that night. So I stayed. I went to make a coffee and the next thing I heard was my sister shout "Michael". I dropped my cup and ran to the room. My loving mum was taking her last breaths. When she went I shouted "NO". Me and my sister just broke down. We just sat there for 5 minutes and I went to ring mine and my mum's friend Alison. I left my sister to stay with mum for a while. In the meantime Alison came up and I was talking with her till Trish had spent time with mum. When Trish came out I went in to my mum. I just led on the bed with her and spoke to her, talking about things from the past when I was a little boy and stories we used to talk about. The only thing that broke my heart even more was that I wasn't getting a reply. I knew I had to go at some point so 20 minutes later we had to leave. It was 6am by the time we got home and we were drinkin cider outside my house lol. Just chatting about everything. I think you do in these circumstances.

My sister had to go home after the funeral as her husbands mum wasn't too good either. After my sister went home it finally hit me I was on my own now and had to deal with everything mum dealt with and what I took for granted. Looking back and at the person I've become I've done so well by myself and my mum has been one of the influences that has made me this way - I want to thank my beautiful mother and the gift she passed down to me and my sister. She is what made me and my sister the people we are today.